Cumartesi, Haziran 20, 2009

sonu bucagi hic bitmeyecek bir yakaris bedenimi tutsuleyerek goge yukselen

h=1/2gt2
oyle ogrettiler bildim bileli.. yuksekligin denkligini verdiler her sinavda cikacakmiscasina.. cikmadi diyemem.. minnettarim.. cok sagolun.. ben nasil desem..
zamanin karesini aldim bu gece..
zaman akip gecmedi bir turlu. yemekler pisti listeye uygun.. adi sani belli agir basli misafirler agirladim.. catal bicak sayisi yetismeyecek bide sandalyeler bos kalacak diye urktum ama urktugum sey basima gelmedi... ben basli basina birdim.. 1 bendim..
ben=1 ..
cok kolay bi denklik..
hic bi bagimli uyesi olmayan hic bi kotu aliskanligi olmayan bir ben diktim kulemin tepesine.. zirhlarim hali hazirdi.. tum kursun askerlerim hali hazirda beklediler.. gece uzun gece soguk gece ayaz demeden dikeldiler dagin yamacindaki kalemin surlarinda.. manciniklarin uclarinda surulmus mermiler uzun menzilli atislara gebeydi.. ates ve barut .. sonra hersey puff diye yok olacakti.. hele bi saldirin bakalim... yureginiz el verirse..
hic dogmayacak yeni benler yazdim bir gecede kalemimin ucunda.. duydunuz mu dogum sancisi cekerken haykirislarimi..
annemi bir kere daha anladim ne kadar zormus bir dogum vermek dunyaya.. o ne kadar hakliymis..
bu gece..
eteklerinden dokulurken nuru.. farkettim ki.. ben hic dogmamaliymisim..
bu gece farkettim ki ben.. ben gercek bir ben olamamisim..
ben =1
biz =?? esitligini cikartamadik sayin hocam.. bu sinavi boyle versek kurtarma sinavi yapma olasiligimiz yuzde kac?? ben bu gece bir kere daha dogsam.. yagmurun her damlasinda topraga biraz daha gomulsem ve safak sokmeden tazecik uzerimde su damlalariyla uyansam..
imkansiz bir varsayim,.. olur olmaz tartismadan.. bilimi bir tarafa birakip ben olabilsem bu aitligini hissedemedigim cografyada.. bir ben dogursam..
mutlu olur musun yeryuzu.. beni yeniden kabul edebilir misin ruzgarina yagmuruna gunesine... '
sukretmeyi ogretsem dudaklarima tekrardan.. dusunce kanayan her yerimi operek iyilestirebilir misin..
nerede hata yaptigimi degil hatalrin beni neden sectigni bir gece de pan'in labirentine sokmadan ogretebilir misin.. yolumu kaybetmeden..
kaybolmadan labirentlerinde bir yaz gunune merhaba diyebilirmiyim..
peki ya sen tanrim beni ben olarak kabul etmeyi ogretebilir misin tum muridlerine.. beni kulun sayar misin.. say bastan saysak.. kafa hesabiyla kabaca degil.. o tum denklemlerin tum bilesenlerini bir tarafa birakip bir beni yeniden basli basina yaratma luksunu yasatabilri misin.. ben beni kaybettm .. sen beni yeniden bulabilri misin..
yapabilir misin.. yeniden ..
uzak miyiz o kadar.. yeniden baslamak icin baslangic noktasina.. cok degil inan ki.. sadece 25 yil.. sadece epi topu yirmibes yil.. saysak bir iki uc dort bes alti..
bak gordun mu ne kadar kolay.. hadi bi el at.. yardim et ruhum,,

ikinci kez ayni filmi izledim.. ikinci kez... ne kadar zaman gecmis aradan.. uzak yakin yillar birbine.. eskiden dedigim bi kac sene oncesi.. yine ben ben olamamisim.. onu gordum,.. izleyemedim su lanet olasica filmi bi basima ben nedense... hep baskalari var .. olmasalar mydi..
ne isim var benim burada bu arada diye niye ceketimi alip cikamadigimi kapidan giriste biraktigim kimliklerime bagladim..
hic birakmasaydim keske.. hep uzerimde tasisaydim tum kimliklerimi..kendimi zor kabullerin esiginde birakmasaydim,,
oldurmedin ama guclendirmedin de.. birinden birini yapmakta keske basarili olabilseydin inan ki sana olan saygim daha cok olurdu...
simdi saygi duydugumu soyleyemem.. duyamadigim bir saygi var kendime dair .. sana karsi nasil duyabilirim soyler misin..
sevdim ben sevmeye devam ederim bu gidisle ama sevilir miyim bilemem..
heba olmakta veremli asklarin esiginde ruhum,.,.
bir ben vardi bire denk dusen .. simdi kac oldular bilmiyorum.. cok bilinmeyenli denklerim gun gectikce artmakta..
yardim etsen..
belki bu defa geceriz bu sinavi..
cok mu gec..
evet saat bi hayli gec..
iyisimi uyumak..
misil misil bir uyku..
belki unutturur her seyi,.. ölümlü ölümsüz su fanilik deryasindaki herseyi.. fanilikse adi ölümsüzlugun isi ne dediginizi duyar gibiyim ama iste yine isime gelmedi duymamaktayim bak gordun mu..

13 yorum:

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